The broken sink.

A few weeks ago, I woke up around afternoon. It was a weekend, and I had no school. Usually, when I wake up in the afternoon, I directly take a bath to keep myself fresh and afterwards I would have a late lunch.

But that afternoon when I woke up, I saw something unusual in our bathroom. I was about to take a bath when I saw the sink, where I brush my teeth, was broken. Or shattered; but not wholly—I would say at least 1/2 of it (the photo of the broken sink can be seen below). Along with that, I saw a note left by my dad. Which was weird, because he does not like leaving notes unlike my mom.

What made me forget about the broken sink was the content of the letter/note. He said he was sorry, and that he would replace what he broke. Why? Because my dad never liked saying sorry that much. He usually takes pride in what he says. But I felt happy because he took the chance to say sorry so he won’t upset us—especially my mother. I know hearing something like having your dad breaking the sink is a funny story, I mean, it is. But I didn’t think of the situation like that. Not at first.

Because of the small gesture my dad did, it melted my heart. It made me feel overwhelmed and it kind of made me teary-eyed (yes, I’m THAT emotional). I think what’s important is that sometimes we get too caught up in our own problems with others that we tend not to be rational. I think usually it’s not important if the person makes it up to you for their mistakes—what’s important is how the person says sorry and you feel as if they mean it. Sometimes, it’s true; saying sorry can make things okay.

No, I did not need for my dad to fix the sink for me to forgive him. I’m not even bothered that he broke it (well, mainly, because I can still use it). It’s because I forgot for a while that he even broke it because he owned up to his actions—a thing he does not normally do (not in any way that I understand, though. Usually he would own up to his actions by doing something else for you without you even knowing that that’s his way of saying sorry. My dad isn’t really showy).

Alt er love.

I don’t know how to put it in words. I don’t know how to explain it.

 

….I miss being in love. 

I’ve always denied the fact that I do miss it. I know that I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anybody else just so I could call myself a “somebody.” But frankly, I miss those days where I felt like I was loved by someone who I thought was the best person ever. It’s been years since I’ve had my last boyfriend. And no, it’s not him that I miss; it’s the feeling itself. The feeling of being in love. The feeling of being invincible.

I’ve never actually had any problem with being alone. In fact, I enjoy the thought of it. But whenever I go outside and see couples being happy with each other’s company, I’ve never felt more ashamed to be alone. I felt like they have the upper hand just because they have someone by their side; someone who loves them.

Then again, whenever I’m alone, I also feel like this is what’s meant for me. Because I tend to be inconsistent, rational, and very anxious. I’ve planted this idea in my head that maybe I’ll just be happy by myself–where I watch TV shows all day, go on Twitter, hang out with my friends, studying hard, being with my family, and enjoying my own company with no attachment to any boy.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being in love again. Because I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. I don’t want him to feel like he has someone to take care of every minute. I’m scared of being attached to someone who made me feel like I’m their world when in reality, I was a mere part of it.

I’ve also known that when you commit into a relationship, you also commit yourself to heartbreaks, fights, feeling of emptiness, love, lust, sometimes sex, happiness, loyalty, and so forth. But sometimes, I can’t help myself to think that maybe I only want the good parts. That maybe I don’t want to experience the bad again. And I know, that that’s selfish of me to say.

And I’m hard-headed. Because I’ve always known that love isn’t like what you read in books and what you see in movies. My life is not a cliche, and it will never be.

So….I do miss being in love. But I know to myself that I also can find happiness within my own company and that love will present itself to me and I don’t have to rush. That someday, in some place, there’s someone out there who will love me and make me happy. And he will break my heart, too, in some point. Because it’s inevitable. And I’m sure, that if he loves me for eternity, or if he breaks me forever, I won’t regret it; because I chose him and I allowed him to be a part of me. And that’s a choice I’m willing to make again.

Until then, I shouldn’t rush things. Rather, appreciate the company of myself, of my good friends, of my family,  and of the things that make me happy. And I’ll stay in love with the life that I have right now..with or without someone.

I loved the person I fell in love with. And I know he loved me, too. And so I thank him for allowing me to love him and because of him, I know the feeling of not just being in love, but also having that love thrown away–and I still loved him for that.

 

2017.

So, it’s been a while since I last posted here. I miss writing, being inspired, being transparent.

But first off I want to greet each and everyone of you a late Happy New Year! I want to thank you for allowing me to post whatever I feel like posting (and writing for that matter) and I’m grateful that I get lovely feedback from you all.

Now unto bigger matters; thank you. Thank you for allowing my blog to be alive as it is. Keeping my poetry, stories, and whatnot in their own context. I can’t wait to share a lot more of my works in here, for you. (and well, for me, too.) I can’t wait to post every idea that strike up in my head as soon as possible.

It’s lovely that I get to dump every idea here in my blog. It doesn’t let my ideas rot for so long or get lost. And that’s why this blog of mine is important to me; and I hope to some of you as well. I want to let you know that I always listen to your suggestions and read your comments and feedbacks so I could continue improving this blog.

Now as a new year starts over the horizon, I will not let this blog change its purpose—and that is writing and sharing whatever it is that I can provide. Thank you all for allowing my blog to be alive.

Can’t wait to share new ideas soon with you all. 🥀

Love,

Me.