Leave me alone.

You have no say in what I choose to say and do towards you. You have deeply hurt me, degraded my being, shattered my heart, used me like an object, and disappeared like thin air.

 

You have no say in what I choose to feel. This is the consequence of what you did. You let this happen and you know well this is your fault. You can’t blame me for what I feel after your shitty, selfish act.

 

You have no say in my putting a grudge against you. I am angry, I am disappointed, I am upset, I am frustrated. You have left me in awe and wonder and confusion.

 

My boy, you have no say in anything at all ever. You obliterated your own place in my life and that is something you cannot undo. Go if you must; but always know that you have no say in what I choose to say, do, feel, and my putting a grudge against you. You can merely watch from afar with your own judgment and regret. By your leaving, you also take your baggage with you–memories, paraphernalia, intentions.

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A Phantom Hovers.

I still see you in everything I do. Walking in the park, drinking coffee, singing karaoke, swimming in the pool, watching movies at the cinema.

 

“What can we be doing at this very moment?” I ask myself. Will you kiss me? Hold my hand? Hug me out? Make fun of me? Tell me one of your stories? There’s a lot to do. But a lot isn’t enough because you decided to leave.

 

There’s no one to kiss. There’re no hands to hold. There’s no one to hug. There’s no one to make fun of. There’s no one to tell stories to. There’s nothing I can do, except to pretend that your mere shadow is with me.

 

You are not sorry for what you did. And that’s okay. I’m not sorry for writing this either. I am not sorry for holding on while you chose to let go. But as I’m writing this, maybe you let go a long time ago. Maybe you left several times and chose to go back because I love you and it’s just that easy.

 

Indeed, I am pondering over what we could be doing at this moment instead of me writing all of this alone. Your ghost haunts me everyday until I have to close my eyes and dream somewhere else.

 

You are not mine anymore. I cannot kiss you. I cannot hold your hands. I cannot hug you. I cannot make fun of you. I cannot tell you stories. There’s a lot to do, and that is to wake up from my fictitious realm and into the reality that you’re never coming back.

 

I should never again see you in everything I do.

The aftershock—courtesy of you.

How do you forget someone whom you built a future with inside your head?

 

Funny how one mistake, one message, one circumstance, ends it all. How one thing leads up to another. One second ago, you were saying your “I love you’s” and the next you thing you know, they were your last. It amazes me and leaves me breathless.

Months passed, and I’m not going to lie, but you still come into my mind every now and then. It stings for a few minutes; going through the painful memory of what we once had, of what we once shared. But I knew better than to cry over something that’s becoming rotten to the both of us. So I fix myself up, dry my tears, and put my attention elsewhere.

I grew more cynical and doubtful over whom I let into my life after you. I loved myself more than I did before. I became more open to the thousand possibilities that the universe may offer. I have gotten reclusive, and I think that’s okay.

Walls are getting higher. Stakes are getting rougher. Heart is getting colder. Brain is getting wiser. What’s not to expect?

Falling in love with you and then losing you may have been the worst thing…but it was also the greatest experience anyone could offer. You have showered me with love, care, and attention for a short span of time. You have made me feel like a priority, even just for a while. But most of all, you’ve given me enough reason to become myself.

Melancholy as it may seem, going through the process of surrendering and opening your heart up to someone to being bitter, heartbroken, and lost, we can’t exclude the fact that we grow by it.

Don’t worry. This is just my aching heart speaking. I’ll learn to go through life without you. Someday, I will find the courage to blossom and flourish. I am my complete self, yes, even without you. You do not define me. And in the meantime, I’ll be busy rebuilding the future that I once built with you in it.

I will move on…in my own time and pace. And I hope you do, too.

Alt er love.

I don’t know how to put it in words. I don’t know how to explain it.

 

….I miss being in love. 

I’ve always denied the fact that I do miss it. I know that I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anybody else just so I could call myself a “somebody.” But frankly, I miss those days where I felt like I was loved by someone who I thought was the best person ever. It’s been years since I’ve had my last boyfriend. And no, it’s not him that I miss; it’s the feeling itself. The feeling of being in love. The feeling of being invincible.

I’ve never actually had any problem with being alone. In fact, I enjoy the thought of it. But whenever I go outside and see couples being happy with each other’s company, I’ve never felt more ashamed to be alone. I felt like they have the upper hand just because they have someone by their side; someone who loves them.

Then again, whenever I’m alone, I also feel like this is what’s meant for me. Because I tend to be inconsistent, rational, and very anxious. I’ve planted this idea in my head that maybe I’ll just be happy by myself–where I watch TV shows all day, go on Twitter, hang out with my friends, studying hard, being with my family, and enjoying my own company with no attachment to any boy.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being in love again. Because I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. I don’t want him to feel like he has someone to take care of every minute. I’m scared of being attached to someone who made me feel like I’m their world when in reality, I was a mere part of it.

I’ve also known that when you commit into a relationship, you also commit yourself to heartbreaks, fights, feeling of emptiness, love, lust, sometimes sex, happiness, loyalty, and so forth. But sometimes, I can’t help myself to think that maybe I only want the good parts. That maybe I don’t want to experience the bad again. And I know, that that’s selfish of me to say.

And I’m hard-headed. Because I’ve always known that love isn’t like what you read in books and what you see in movies. My life is not a cliche, and it will never be.

So….I do miss being in love. But I know to myself that I also can find happiness within my own company and that love will present itself to me and I don’t have to rush. That someday, in some place, there’s someone out there who will love me and make me happy. And he will break my heart, too, in some point. Because it’s inevitable. And I’m sure, that if he loves me for eternity, or if he breaks me forever, I won’t regret it; because I chose him and I allowed him to be a part of me. And that’s a choice I’m willing to make again.

Until then, I shouldn’t rush things. Rather, appreciate the company of myself, of my good friends, of my family,  and of the things that make me happy. And I’ll stay in love with the life that I have right now..with or without someone.

I loved the person I fell in love with. And I know he loved me, too. And so I thank him for allowing me to love him and because of him, I know the feeling of not just being in love, but also having that love thrown away–and I still loved him for that.

 

A magnet attracts a non-metal

I let my walls down 

For a guy who wouldn’t bring me up.

He said he likes girls who like pink;

But I’ve always liked black.


He searches for the sunrise, 

While I await for the twilight.

I let my feelings flow

For a boy who wouldn’t let go of his past.


I love his smile,

But he hates his own smirk.

He prefers his coffee plainly brewed,

I want mine with milk.


I spend my time alone;

Quietly.

He spends his in a bar;

Loudly.


But lastly…

I was attracted to a magnet, 

But I was non-metal.

I knew I stood no chance.


I still had my hopes,

My wishes, my dreams.

But, alas, I accepted it;

He will never be mutually attracted to me.