The new Netflix series, “13 Reasons Why”

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, Suicide, Depression

Note: This post is inspired from: this themighty.com article (Go read this article, it’s helpful and important). This post may also contain spoilers from both the Netflix show and novel.

 

As a fan of the novel (13 Reasons Why), I have always researched about it being adapted into either a movie or a TV show. Well, around 2013 or 2014, there was this hearsay that Selena Gomez will star the upcoming movie for 13 Reasons Why. As a matter of fact, I was a little disappointed at the rumor; because, out of all people, why Selena Gomez? It’s like she didn’t seem fit to play the role. But then, last year, in the late 2016, I heard this news about 13 Reasons Why getting its own show on Netflix. And guess what? Being the “fan girl” that I am, I was hyped. And, as it turns out, Selena Gomez does have a role in it–only, she was an executive producer,and does not have a lead role.

 

13 Reasons Why is a novel written by Jay Asher and was published around 2007. The story circles around Hannah Baker, a high school student, who killed herself; and also Clay Jensen, a friend of Hannah Baker, who is the protagonist and the one telling the entire story from scratch. Hannah Baker was a student who was battling depression and bullying–which drove her to suicide. And in a series of cassette tapes, she tells the 13 Reasons Why she killed herself, including Clay Jensen himself.

 

Now, I’ve read the novel way back 2013, a time where only a few people knew it because it wasn’t much of a popular novel, yet. I recall finishing the book in one sitting, just because it was very intriguing and I liked it. It was the first time I’ve read a book that contained something so cold, icy and had a little spice up to it. I felt like I was feeling what Clay Jensen was feeling. It was raw. Another reason is that Hannah Baker and I happen to share the same attitude and personality, which is why this book is close to me. (Which is, I know for a fact, a low reason).

 

The book ended in a cliffhanger way. At the last part of the novel, Clay Jensen shouted “Skye!” (Skye happens to be Clay Jensen’s friend and schoolmate, that showed the same signs of depression as Hannah). I immediately knew the message behind it–it was because Clay was trying to prevent the same thing that happened to Hannah (because Hannah’s signs of depression was constantly ignored or shoved down in the novel), and I was fond of that ending. I was like, “That’s good. Helping another person based on past experiences.”

 

So….what about the Netflix show? Or the adaptation of the book?

 

To be honest, yes, I was very excited to see it. Because, hello? My favorite novel was getting a show of its own after 10 years. It deserves it. But, for those who plan to see it, I tell you; it is EASILY triggering. The show tackles suicide, rape, depression, misogyny, sexism, bullying and all that. I think the show lacked trigger warnings at the very beginning. And if a person who is diagnosed with depression and has done things, please do not let them see it alone. The show will make them vulnerable and it’s pretty toxic.

 

The show vividly showed how rape was done, how Hannah Baker did her suicide (which was not mentioned in the book, if I remember correctly); showing how she slit her wrists in the bathtub, how sexual assault was done, and others. So, it can be really quite frustrating. The good thing about it is that people will become aware and they’ll have knowledge about how they can help and address the issue properly. The show also shared this message of how justice isn’t served to the right people, because there was an involved lawsuit between the Baker family and the school; and that’s a pretty powerful message to send to the fucked up system of the government.

 

The show followed the novel accurately enough. Still, the show is triggering and will leave you with a lot of negative emotions; it did it to me. I suggest, if you decide to watch the show, to just be prepared for the worst and don’t let it get to you. Just remember to adapt the positive messages and lessons you can take. But if you’re really easily triggered or bothered, and especially if you’re actually mentally ill, please do not see it.

 

What do you think? Have you seen or read 13 Reasons Why? Comment below.

 

 

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Inadequacy.

Have you ever had the feeling of not being good enough? That you’re never worth it?

 

Well, this day is one those days. Where I feel as if I’m running away from something that’s not there; something abstract, invisible. Lately, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions. Questions mostly about self-hatred, dispute, and scarcity.

 

“Why am I not good enough for writing?”

Is one of the questions I ask myself. I have always been fond of writing ever since childhood. I used to make fan fictions for my friends, one-shot stories, and even “imagines”. Currently poetry is the bloodline of my writing “career” (if you can even call it that) and I still feel like my poems are shit. They’re absolutely no good, not well-constructed, a mess. Yet, I see other people my age who can write beautiful pieces with or without breaking a sweat–still, the point is, that if they can do it, why can’t I seem to? Is it because I don’t actually have the talent? Or maybe I wasn’t just really gifted with talent of writing? I guess I’ll never know. While typing this, I feel sick. Because I can’t use fancy terminologies or fix my train of thoughts appropriately and because of that, I know I lack the important skill of writing.

 

“Why am I not good enough for painting and drawing?” 

This one’s pretty obvious to me. I am aware that I am not great at painting (and drawing for that matter) yet I keep doing it. Just shows how much how hard-headed I am. This is kind of upsetting because I genuinely enjoy painting and drawing but my passion for it isn’t enough to fuel my creativity to be able to make mesmerizing art. I’ve realized this thought as I was watching a person paint a realistic painting of a person, with shading, lighting and everything, which is one of my greatest weaknesses. I kept comparing myself to her over and over; “how come she can do it perfectly?” “how can she do that?” “why can’t I do it?”. In fact, I can’t paint without a base or copy–which she can do just fine (but if I do it, my piece will surely turn out as trash). Sometimes, I can’t help but doubt my love for art. Maybe art’s not meant for me after all, considering all the weaknesses and cons I have whenever I make one.

 

“Why am I not good enough of a student?” 

As a student, I frequently ask myself this question. Why I’m never able to be the best top-notcher, why I can’t perfect an easy exam, why I can’t recite in class properly, why I can’t perform speeches or performance tasks in front of people. I’m always anxious, queasy, easily pressured even when I’m not supposed to be. I study all day and night because I want things to get done the soonest. Once they announce quizzes, exams, homeworks, activities, I do them as soon as the words leave from my professors’ mouth. But still, I don’t get the grade that I think I deserve. I even once considered myself to be homeschooled because people terrify me (since I go to a bigger school now than before). I feel them judging, criticizing, stabbing me in my back. I can hear their whispers, the roll of their eyes as I walk past, the uncomfortable shift of the world as they turn to look at me. I lack social well-being. In relation to this question, I ask myself, “I think I’m only good at memorizing stuff. But that doesn’t make me smart, does it? They have a difference, I know.” And I admit it to myself in the mirror. I’m not smart, I can only memorize–and there’s a goddamn difference.

 

With these questions, I tend to question myself and my abilities. In line with this, I scrutinize myself in the meanest way possible. I am my own enemy. Either I meddle with these demons, or I break free. There is no in-between. But meddling with them is much more fun because I don’t see one positive thing about being talentless. I want to be good enough, to be worth it, to be okay. Will I ever?

Having that said, I hope you find what you truly love doing, and being good enough for that. I hope you find yourself worth it, amidst the negative things that are choking you. Stay strong, reader. Stay strong, self.

 

xx

 

 

Alt er love.

I don’t know how to put it in words. I don’t know how to explain it.

 

….I miss being in love. 

I’ve always denied the fact that I do miss it. I know that I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anybody else just so I could call myself a “somebody.” But frankly, I miss those days where I felt like I was loved by someone who I thought was the best person ever. It’s been years since I’ve had my last boyfriend. And no, it’s not him that I miss; it’s the feeling itself. The feeling of being in love. The feeling of being invincible.

I’ve never actually had any problem with being alone. In fact, I enjoy the thought of it. But whenever I go outside and see couples being happy with each other’s company, I’ve never felt more ashamed to be alone. I felt like they have the upper hand just because they have someone by their side; someone who loves them.

Then again, whenever I’m alone, I also feel like this is what’s meant for me. Because I tend to be inconsistent, rational, and very anxious. I’ve planted this idea in my head that maybe I’ll just be happy by myself–where I watch TV shows all day, go on Twitter, hang out with my friends, studying hard, being with my family, and enjoying my own company with no attachment to any boy.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being in love again. Because I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. I don’t want him to feel like he has someone to take care of every minute. I’m scared of being attached to someone who made me feel like I’m their world when in reality, I was a mere part of it.

I’ve also known that when you commit into a relationship, you also commit yourself to heartbreaks, fights, feeling of emptiness, love, lust, sometimes sex, happiness, loyalty, and so forth. But sometimes, I can’t help myself to think that maybe I only want the good parts. That maybe I don’t want to experience the bad again. And I know, that that’s selfish of me to say.

And I’m hard-headed. Because I’ve always known that love isn’t like what you read in books and what you see in movies. My life is not a cliche, and it will never be.

So….I do miss being in love. But I know to myself that I also can find happiness within my own company and that love will present itself to me and I don’t have to rush. That someday, in some place, there’s someone out there who will love me and make me happy. And he will break my heart, too, in some point. Because it’s inevitable. And I’m sure, that if he loves me for eternity, or if he breaks me forever, I won’t regret it; because I chose him and I allowed him to be a part of me. And that’s a choice I’m willing to make again.

Until then, I shouldn’t rush things. Rather, appreciate the company of myself, of my good friends, of my family,  and of the things that make me happy. And I’ll stay in love with the life that I have right now..with or without someone.

I loved the person I fell in love with. And I know he loved me, too. And so I thank him for allowing me to love him and because of him, I know the feeling of not just being in love, but also having that love thrown away–and I still loved him for that.